I've always thought of myself as an organized person who can handle stressful and hectic times through the powers of organization. However in this, my first full year of full-time teaching, I've been having a lot more issues with stress than ever before. I have so much to do and I feel like no matter how much I get done in one day, there's always more - always another lesson plan to type, always another chair to move, always another scene to block, always a score to study, always grades to input, always another lesson to teach. In college as a music major, I took pride in the fact that I could run my life ahead of schedule based around my concert and rehearsal obligations. For some reason I thought I would be prepared for everything that goes along with being the only music teacher in a school and blocking/choreographing/teaching the music for a musical that goes up in November, but alas, that has not been the case no matter how many to-do lists I make.
Last Friday, I literally felt sick during school. I was cold, I had a headache, and I felt nauseous all day (thank goodness it was sweatshirt/sweatpant day). I couldn't figure out why, and my occasionally-wise husband said it might have been stress related. We were supposed to have some close friends over that night and after working choreography at musical rehearsal, I felt no better than I did all day. As soon as my sister-in-law came over, followed shortly by the rest of our little gathering, I started to feel better. I knew in the back of my mind that I should be writing plans, choreographing, doing anything but sitting, talking, and eating pizza. I try to relax on the weekends but what usually happens is I kill a whole day with relaxation then get stressed the next day with getting in two days of work into one. After my Friday night party, I went into the city on Saturday but got my work done in the early afternoon and a little more when I got home. That mix of work and play didn't make me feel stressed! The trouble is that it's so hard to rationalize "me time" when the pile of work is over your head. As I've mentioned before, in college I lived with 5 of my best friends and there was always someone to talk to. Maybe I was distracted and not quite efficient when writing plans and papers in front of Jeopardy and The Simpsons every night while chatting about nothing with my roomies, but it was that perfect mix of relaxation and work.
So what else was it that made my college stress so different than this real world stress? My now-two-times-wise husband asked me how I used to blow off steam in college and I said practicing and hanging out with friends. I took 20 minutes during my precious prep time on Monday to practice in my office and I felt much better for the rest of the day! I started thinking about what made me de-stress last year (not necessarily in college) when I wasn't as frazzled and consistent gym time was a huge part of my life. I haven't made time for myself to practice, let alone work out for more than maybe a mile run here or there, so I re-joined the gym. It's great to sit on a stationary bike and let the mind wander. Again, it is always hard for me to turn off the "I could totally be grading general music projects right now!" alerts in my brain but focusing on my breathing and reading the closed captions on the TV for that half hour is amazing.
I really hate not feeling in control of aspects of my life. As much as I've always wanted a job where it's me doing band, chorus, general music, and the musical after school and a private studio, having all the control in that sense isn't all it's cracked up to be. I thought that after 2 months, I'd have my act together but I've been swimming up stream all year. It's really only going to get easier after Thanksgiving but until then, I have to keep finding little moments of "me time" whether it be mindlessly riding a bike at the gym or focusing on an etude. Even finding time to do a post like this is hard but therapeutic.
My work will get done and it will be fine...repeat until Thanksgiving.
No comments:
Post a Comment